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Why We Fall for the Wrong People (and How to Break the Cycle)

Many people assume that they mistakenly picked the wrong partner or that their partner just had red flags they didn't notice in the beginning. But what if I told you, that there are deep psychological reasons on why you keep finding yourself being attracted to these same ‘wrong’ partners, so much so that it becomes a recurring pattern.

To put it simply, the fact that you find yourself consistently dating people who are not the right fit, is not an accident, but an unconscious cycle rooted in psychological patterns that you continue to live through.

Your Childhood Plays a Role

The way your parents treated you as a child plays a major role in the partners you end up choosing to date as an adult. This is because we seek out familiarity. You will end up choosing individuals who remind you of your home life. Now this can affect us poorly because in the case where you had a chaotic childhood or your parents were emotionally hard to reach, this can have you choose partners that behave in the same manner.

Humans would choose a familiar hell rather than an unfamiliar heaven. This means that your mind will unconsciously have you gravitate towards people who treat you in the same manner your parents did, even if this treatment is unfavorable.

For example, if your parents yelled at you or had a short fuse, you may find yourself in relationships with individuals who behave the same way in your adult life. This is because these behaviors have been normalized to you from a young age. Or on the other hand, you may be the one to communicate in this way because you are so used to being spoken to in that manner.

Since communication is a core foundation of relationships, you can see how quickly poor conflict resolution skills can put an end to a romantic relationship. The way your parents communicated or handled conflict with each other and with you, will affect how you handle conflict in your relationships as an adult.

Attachment Styles

Depending on how your parents treated you also plays a role in the attachment styles you end up forming. The way your parents went about meeting your needs or not meeting your needs, ends up creating the foundations for how you behave and express yourself in future romantic relationships.

There are several different attachment styles:

Secure, Anxious, Dismissive Avoidant, or Fearful Avoidant.

Securely attached individuals are open to love and can be vulnerable as well. In the same respect, they are willing to walk away when they feel they need to.

Anxiously attached individuals usually fear abandonment and are in constant need of reassurance. These individuals may consistently feel that their romantic partner does not care about them.

Dismissive Avoidant individuals are characterized by emotional unavailability. These select people are fearful of vulnerability, therefore refrain from getting too close or trusting others.

Fearful Avoidant individuals often sway in anxious behaviors and avoidant behaviors. This is because they crave to be loved and to love others, but they also lack the necessary vulnerability and emotional intimacy to do so because of fear of being hurt.

Insecure Attachment Styles

The last three attachment styles are known as ‘insecure attachment styles.’ Usually the insecure attachment styles are magnetized to each other. For example, anxious individuals and avoidant individuals come toward one another because of their opposing characteristics.

In this case, the anxious partner craves more reassurance whereas the avoidant partner withdraws when conflict escalates. This ends up forming a push - pull dynamic where long term can end up unhealthy.

To develop healthier romantic relationships, it may be in your best interest to begin forming a secure attachment style. This is no easy task, and can take a lot of intentionality and time, along with the help of mental health professionals.

A key step in this process is to take a look back into your childhood, and relationship with your parents, to get an understanding of why you embody your current attachment style, as well as how to transform it into a secure attachment style.

Those with a secure attachment style are likely to have a higher self-esteem, better communication skills, and are more likely to act in alignment with their values, even in the face of challenges or opposition. These characteristics give you a higher chance of cultivating a loving respectful romantic relationship.

Self-Verification Theory

Your unconscious self-beliefs, shaped by a lifetime of experiences, influence how you perceive your worth and your identity in the context of your love life. Through self-verification theory, we can see that people tend to choose partners who reinforce or “verify” their view of self, whether it’s positive or negative.

For example, if you hold a particularly negative view of yourself, such as “I am unworthy of love,” you’re more likely to be drawn to partners who treat you in ways that align with that belief. This might look like being in relationships where affection is inconsistent, criticism is frequent, or your needs are neglected.

This theory can repeatedly play out in our lives as we crave consistency over proper treatment. We are more willing to accept people who treat us poorly instead of people who treat us with admiration, if that falls in line with how we view ourselves.

Become aware of how you view yourself.

What negative self-beliefs do you hold? What do you believe you deserve? How do you view yourself in relation to love life? These are the building blocks to the treatment we went up accepting. If you can begin viewing yourself in a more positive manner, you will eventually be repelled by those who view you or treat you in the opposite manner.

 

Who You Pick Is No Mistake

The partners you choose to form relationships with are no coincidence. They are the result of your childhood, attachment style, and self-beliefs, which keep you stuck in a repetitive cycle of relationships that either miss the mark or negatively affect your mental health.

To transform your love life, it's crucial to look inward. By constantly blaming external factors, you ignore the unhealthy psychological patterns that have been drawing you toward these incompatible partners in the first place.

Realizing that you are the common denominator empowers you to take control and break the cycle. This is not about blaming individuals for unhealthy relationships but recognizing that you can change the narrative of your love life. Dive deep into your past, behaviors, and patterns, and healing those areas to create a profound shift in the partners you attract and the quality of your love life.

 

 

 

 

 

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